Auntie Says, Auntie Says...

Secrets, Lies, and Life Lessons

Do You Keep Secrets?

Why do you keep secrets? I’m curious about the thought process that goes into the keeping of secrets.

Is it with the intention of protection–either your own or someone else’s? A reputation perhaps? or maybe it’s a power play–you know something someone else doesn’t…that sort of thing?

But if you stop and think about it, why do you keep secrets?

The more people you have in your life, the more confusing it can be.

While you may think you’re living your true authentic self, others may see something different and decide to keep secrets from you.

This is an interesting dilemma, because should you care if someone is keeping secrets from you?

Doesn’t that simply send a message of distrust, strict boundaries of not being welcome, and perhaps not even worthy of friendship.

If you’re the only one walking around not knowing and people who know the secret are lying straight to you, what message does that send?

Source Unsplash: Kristina Flour

What is a Secret and Why Do You Care?

Here’s a definition to read and ponder.

I find the “need to know” an interesting line to draw. When I think about it, the decision is so arbitrary and more emotional than anything.

Secrecy is the practice of hiding information from certain individuals or groups who do not have the “need to know”, perhaps while sharing it with other individuals. That which is kept hidden is known as the secret.

Wikipedia

Why do you keep secrets? Why does anyone? I can think of a few reasons:

  • shame
  • embarrassment
  • privacy
  • lack of respect
  • lack of thought
  • some type of punishment
  • on a need to know basis
  • all of the above

This list is not exclusive by any means but offers a taste of the “why”?

Those Kept in the Dark…

If you’re one who’s been kept in the dark about something that could have been life and death, then I feel for you. I’ve been there.

For reasons beyond my comprehension, some critical news was deliberately kept from me recently.

While I don’t know the reasoning, the person later apologized and I’m trying to reconcile the hurt this caused me deep within my very soul. It has actually caused me to question a lot of things.

This has created huge trust issues for me (not only with the person but all the holders of the said secret) that I need to work through and it seriously changes everything for me and all because one person chose to make an emotional directive that involved a lot of people.

I want everyone to know that it’s really not very mature (not to mention kind) to keep secrets, or ask others to keep them for you, with stipulations of not telling specific people.

Heavy Sigh…..

Life Lessons…

You know life happens all around us, every single day. There are people out there that have daily struggles and horrid realities. There is no way for us to be privy to all information. That type of saturation would overwhelm anyone.

I’m seriously okay if you don’t want to tell me something–really I am. It makes me sad that I won’t be able to offer support or comfort, but it’s okay.

Secrets are your own until you tell someone.

It can make you feel lighter as you share the weight of bad news, health issues, or personal struggles. I get it. I really do.

Secrets creep up all the time and the ‘need to know’ isn’t mine to dictate.

Different Kind of Secrets. The Skeltons in the Closet.

One place where secrets should be encouraged to be let go, is within the family. There could be things that affect the next generation that you should know.

There’s this thing amongst the older generation of keeping secrets. I don’t know where it came from but for some reason people didn’t acknowledge things like bodily fluids, natural processes, and heaven forbid if anything were akin to mental illness.

If there’s still an elder left in your family… a grandmother, auntie, or cousin… see if you can pry open some of those closets full of family skeletons. Those secrets, especially if they can affect others within the family, should be unearthed.

Some may prefer to take something to their grave while others may feel the sharing a relief.

Knowing your family secrets can be enlightening.

Ask about

  • any unwanted pregnancies in the family. What happened? Where did it all happen? Find out when? Who? What’s the story?
  • any adoptions? Into the family or out of the family?
  • any black sheep in the family and why? where did they go?
  • any blood relative who suffered from mental illness? what kind? really think about depression, psychosis, bi-polar, etc. They called these things other names so you may need to do a little research.
  • marriages, kids, families that you didn’t know about?
  • propensity toward alcoholism and addiction
  • went did mom, grandma, auntie go through menopause?
  • were there fertility issues? what?
  • inherited diseases? recessive genes?
  • learn about the stories that no one ever told

When things are kept hidden they will cease to exist as reality when the keeper of the secret passes.

Source: Unsplash Megan Stallings

Secrets Aren’t All Created Equal

There are little secrets like not telling anyone you’re pregnant until after the first trimester. There are medium secrets that you may keep to protect your family or play down reality. Then there’s the gargantuan secrets which are life and death and leave others shocked and surprised to be at someones funeral and not their birthday party.

All I want you to do is make wise choices.

Don’t be petty.

Don’t be cruel.

Don’t make others lie for you.

If you have one of those gargantuan secrets and you don’t want to tell a specific person in your family or friend group–let someone else tell them–you may be pleasantly surprised that whatever toxic crap you’ve built in your head that’s keeping you from telling them is really all about you and not the other person.

Knowing is power. If someone knows, they have the power to help.

Tell me… Do You Keep Secrets?

Do you keep secrets? Have you ever been the one kept from the truth? Tell me your stories I’d love to hear them.

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4 thoughts on “Secrets, Lies, and Life Lessons”

  1. I think one of the worst kept secrets is when someone knew that your husband or wife was having an affair maybe even with a best friend and they keep this information to themselves. If it was me I would be furious to know that my friends knew all about it and didn’t tell me. I wouldn’t consider them friends anymore. I know people would keep a secret like this because they have fears you would be terribly hurt. Of course you would. I know this is an old debate and still goes on today whether to tell or not to tell.

    1. Hi Heather. Omg! Yes! I so understand what you’re saying. Friends sort of skittle away like cockroaches in such situations don’t they. What pisses me off about that type of situation is the position the friends are put in. They’re either sworn to secrecy or are left to make a decision to tell or not. Thats not fair either. In my situation information of a life/death situ was kept from me. No apparent reason but it was very deliberate. I can’t look at them the same. How could I? Am I wrong in that? Sometimes I simply don’t understand.

  2. I would be the same. I couldn’t go to lunch with that person. I would only be thinking of their betrayal. That’s how I look at it …..as a betrayal. As bad as the person who betrayed you.

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