advice to teens. Auntie advice, Auntie Says..., Faye Arcand, self help

How to Gain Some Fresh Perspective on Your Hook-up Behavior

When I was in my 20’s there was no Tinder, Plenty of Fish, Grindr, or a multitude of other dating apps that flood the internet. It’s crazy. With the click of a couple of buttons you can have a bunch of people offering themselves up on a silver platter. Oh my, doesn’t that paint quite a picture.

Times have definitely changed. (Lol…I sound like an old-time boomer…I promise I’m not)

Life was simpler but more complicated…

and yet

… it was more complicated but simpler.

How’s that for making complete Auntie sense?

See before the internet, a person needed to leave the comforts of home to seek others out. You had to talk and get to know each other face-to-face before you hopped in the sack. Times have changed but behavior hasn’t. Not really.

I guess what it comes down to is that a 25 year old single person in 1990 is the same as they were in 2000 as they are in 2020 but they’re different too.

Wow–I’m seriously not trying to go in circles here, I promise. What I’m trying to say is the needs of love, recognition, and relationships are the same, but with the change in technology and societal norms the ways in which to go about achieving those things is very different.

Back in my day (yes, the dark ages, I know!) there were one night stands. I know there still are–duh! But now it’s more considered a hook-up or meeting up for sex with no strings… The plan is specific and there’s no mystery. You’re there to hook-up…simple as that. And, it might actually be more than one night but there’s no commitment or promise of a relationship.

Young people used to meet in bars, at school, work or wherever, and get together. But we didn’t call it hooking-up. We called it sex–that’s it. For many it fulfilled a physical need and for others it was a process of searching for themselves or a significant other.

Many individuals don’t know what they want in a partner or perhaps don’t want anyone in their life beyond a night or two of getting it on.

Others meet partners with the dream of a relationship only to end up hooking-up and losing respect for the other person or themselves.

Do you, or someone you know, fit into that?

Are one night stands more prevalent now? I’d have to say yes because of the anonymity and simplicity of the hook up. It’s like a transaction rather than a date where two people move toward sex. With the hook-up it predetermined.

I guess the whole thing with hooking-up is that it seems too easy.

Before all the app connections, there was usually a date before a decision was made to allow it to morph into a one night stand. But it makes me curious as to whether some have given up on seeking a long term relationship if they simply continue to hook-up for the sake of sex alone.

I have so many questions.

Is it the anonymity? Is it just about sex?

Is this something new for you or is it something that’s been going on during times of covid and quarantine?

Are you practicing safe sex? Not only for pregnancy but for STDs? covid?

How are you feeling emotionally? How do feel about yourself when you leave that other person who you’ve just been intimate with but know you’ll never see again?

I have so many questions about the whole hook-up culture. I can see it being cool or fun for a while but to me it seems sad, lonely, and potentially self-destructive.

You know the one thing missing from hooking -up? … the intimacy.

Where do your emotions fit in there?

You may think you’ve got this all under control but I’d be curious to know how you feel about yourself and the choices you’re making.

Has this lifestyle become addictive? Do you feel the need for ‘new’ all the time?

Are you cheating yourself out of love or a relationship because you don’t want to work on it or yourself? Do you have unresolved anger issues? Take care of them.

I don’t want to pass judgment. That’s not what Auntie is about.

What I do want to understand is where your head is at and how long this type of behavior will last. Are you still going to be hooking-up when you’re 35, 40, 50? Can you look within and ask yourself what you want and perhaps slow this type of destructive, self-destructive behavior down.

Self-destructive? Well, I use this term because it strikes me that anyone who really liked themselves wouldn’t submit themselves to such a vulnerable act and not feel worse after. I’m talking about this becoming more of a way of life rather than a once in a while thing. Idk. Please correct me if I’m wrong. Explain it to me.

Are you afraid of a relationship? of intimacy? of love? are you coming out of a bad breakup? or abusive relationship? The reason I ask this is because sex is only one part of the equation. With a hook-up it doesn’t mean the other person cares about you and of course that means you don’t have to care about them–and yet you share the most intimate part of yourself….how lonely is that?

Maybe it’s easier to hook-up than be honest with another person. To show them who you really are deep within–to be vulnerable.

A relationship takes work and commitment. It takes dedication and emotional responsibility. It means growing up and moving forward. Sometimes it means working through the past traumas that linger of your life. So important.

Hey, if you’re in a place where hooking-up is working for you, go ahead, do your thing but do try and be honest with yourself about what you want out of life and don’t let anyone waste your time.

If you sincerely want a family and/or a long term relationship then work on making that happen. Stop the destructive behaviors–namely the hooking-up and any other negative habits you’ve gotten into (drugs, alcohol…)

Maybe you need to take a break. Have a chat with yourself, your best friend, Auntie, or even your therapist to decide where you are in life and whether or not hooking-up is something you want to continue with.

Auntie Lesson:

Don’t be afraid to question your own actions. If you’re feeling lost or overwhelmed then seek someone out to talk to. It’s not worth it to continue down a path that doesn’t take you in a direction you want to go. Also, be your own best friend and be honest with yourself. It’s hard to move forward if your stuck in a place that doesn’t allow you to be the best version of yourself.

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