Did you know that October is domestic violence awareness month in North America? Well, it is.

So as we close out the month I just wanted to touch on a topic that is seldom talked about…and that’s teen dating violence.

It’s sad, but true. Violence happens at all ages all over the world.

It’s important to remember that violence can happen to anyone. Regardless of gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, ethnicity, or economic background, no one is immune. Violence doesn’t discriminate. It’s insidious, crosses every boundary, and can take many forms. Never assume it couldn’t happen to you or someone you know.

And, it’s even sadder that it’s not an issue often addressed in literature, song, or even in schools.

In my latest book, Can You See Me? the main character Lynxa has been bullied and labelled a loser for years. It’s her senior year and she wants all that to change, and it does when she meets Damien.

He’s the sexy, mysterious guy who joins the school and to everyone’s surprise, he wants to date Lynxa.

All is fine and exciting for the first while but it quickly erodes into something much darker and dangerous.

Let’s take a look at the patterns and some red flags to watch for. All of the examples are based on a m/f relationship only because that’s what is reflected in Can You See Me?

PARENTS: Be (and stay) vigilant in recognizing your child’s loss of control. Great ways to do this is to have frequent and prolonged engagement with the couple in safe environments. How is he treating her? How is she treating him? Is she being herself? Pandering? Listen to the way they interact. Pay close attention and don’t simply assume that everything is alright.

“He doesn’t like…” If this is an answer you receive in response to a question about clothing, or the way she’s always worn her hair, make-up, glasses… whatever it is, be aware that this could be coming from a place of negative suggestions, coercion, or an exertion of control.

Friends… are they getting in the way? Maybe they’re too close? Perhaps they don’t like him? Perhaps the trap of isolation is beginning to form. Having and maintaining friendships outside and along side a romantic relationship is normal and healthy.

The NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ALL THE TIME.… this is not a sign of concern or love, but one of control. While at first it may seem sweet or loving, it is a way of isolating and keeping track of you. Imagine requiring someone’s permission to go somewhere or to see someone… that is not okay.

JEALOUSY is called the green eyed MONSTER for a reason. It is ugly and destructive. Nothing good is going to come of jealous as it creates an energy of mistrust and betrayal. He’s not jealous because he loves you, he’s jealous because you’re not behaving the way he wants and doing his bidding.

If a partner says they’re jealous because they love you so much then it is a sign that you must step back and reassess what is happening around you because it’s heading down a dangerous path of possessiveness and dominance.

Neither of these are healthy and could lead to violence as the balance of equality is uneven and one may use coercion or manipulation to dominate any given situation.

WE WANT TO SPEND ALL OUR TIME TOGETHER… while in the beginning of any romantic relationship, spending private time together is normal and necessary to get to know each other, but it shouldn’t be forced or at the cost of building and maintaining friendships and family dynamics.

Look. Watch. Listen. Don’t Deny.

And, DON’T SUGAR COAT IT! Teens are not stupid… They’ve seen and heard a lot. Don’t fool yourself. The thing is to help them see themselves.

Abuse can look like: name calling, control, looking through your phone, forced sexual acts, emotional manipulation, name calling, physical assault, harassment, unwanted videos, isolation from friends/family/activities, questioning motives… and SO much more.

This type of behavior is under reported, but needs to be taken seriously. Check out the Canadian Government Site on Dating Violence for some insight.

Click this link to purchase my novel Can You See Me? and see how Lynxa gradually gave up her life and dreams for the boy she fell in “love” with. I am currently working on the sequel. Warning: this book deals with adult issues of violence, sexual abuse, stalking, manipulation, bullying and more. While the topic is intense, it is also an opportunity for those 16+ to read it and start an important discussion on the reality of teen dating violence.

The Twisted Writer Brain Afterthought…

I know that this isn’t a very pretty subject to talk about and perhaps that’s why it get ignored and not discussed.

We all need to remember that control doesn’t always announce itself. Sometimes it arrives disguised as attention, affection, or that sexy guy who just wants to know where you are all the time.

The trouble is that by the time you recognize the difference between being cared about and being controlled, you may have already given up more of yourself than you ever intended.

Something worth thinking about, whether you’re a teen or not.

If one teen reads this book and sees themselves and exits a toxic relationship, all the hard work will be worth it.

PET OF THE WEEK;

Thanks for stopping by! I love having you here. Make sure you follow so you don’t miss anything that’s going on. Lots of stuff coming up. Stay well and we’ll chat soon.

Resources:

BC VictimLink (24/7): Call or text 1-800-563-0808 (toll-free across BC and Yukon) or email VictimLinkBC@bc211.ca.

Love Is Respect (Teens & Young Adults): Visit loveisrespect.org.